Don't Fake It 'Til You Make It
Pretending to be someone you’re not is never a great idea. In leadership, however, many introverts are trying desperately to act more like their extroverted counterparts. It’s not just that they want to be extroverted but that they are often coached to do so. What is the toll of faking it? Attempting to be someone you’re not causes stress and requires energy. Introverted leaders acting like extroverts is a bad idea.
Why Being Yourself Is Important
There is a shortage of authenticity in the workplace. For too long, we’ve emphasized certain traits like extraversion as the be all end all. It’s no surprise that so many of us, regardless of our actual disposition, feel pressured to conform. The problem with this two-fold. You not being you is not good for you. It’s not good for your physical or emotional health to essentially lie to yourself and others about who you are. Neither is it good for those you work with. When you’re not you, being authentic, your organization lacks those natural gifts and talents that you possess. One-size-fits-all uniformity is far less dynamic, productive or vital than a well-oiled diversity. So, be yourself. If you’re introverted, leverage the strengths that introverts bring to the table.
Work-Life Balance?
For many years, we’ve heard about the need to maintain a healthy work-life balance. Mostly, this has been sound advice about not becoming workaholics, making sure we leave time for life as we make a living. The unintended consequence of this kind of thinking has been the attempt to divide who we are at work and who we are outside. The problem is that we are only one person. Who we are exists both at work and outside of it. We don’t get to be two different people.
Recovering from Perfectionism
Many “do it right” introverts are admitted perfectionists. For us, there is no such thing as “good enough.” Everything must be done perfectly for us to feel good about it.
Introversion and Shame
Introversion and shame share one common thread, they are both widely and wildly misunderstood. Introversion is not shyness, anti-social tendencies, or a mental illness. Rather, it is a healthy aspect of temperament in half of the population that prefers less outward stimulation in their environment. Shame is the sense that something is wrong with me. Not just what I have done, but me. These two connect in an extroverted culture to suggest that there is something wrong with introverts.
Empathic Introverts
There is lots being written today about the value of empathy to leadership. What is not mentioned is the natural connection between introversion and empathy. Introverts are collectivists, seeing life as a group activity. They also tend to experience higher levels of what have been called “negative” emotions like sadness and fear. What’s the upside to this reality? Because we feel more sadness and fear ourselves, we are better equipped to empathize with others who feel it too.
The Ethical and Respectful Mind
I love the work and thought of Howard Gardner. In case you don’t know him, he’s the Harvard professor that conceived of the theory of multiple intelligence several years ago. Before Gardner, we only thought of intelligence as IQ or book smarts. Now we think about various types of intelligences. Gardner recently came out with a new theory describing the kinds of minds we’ll need in the future. Some of them are more cognitive (disciplined, creative, synthesizing). The other two are relational, describing the kinds of intelligence we’ll need interpersonally. The respectful mind embraces differences between people and seeks to understand and value differing people. The ethical mind focuses on being and doing the right thing.
Helping Others Understand You
Though Introvert Revolutionwas written primarily in the context of leadership, I’ve received more than a few comments from readers about the way it helped them understand family members. One father recounted with tears the way it helped him “get” his son at a deeper level that was changing the way he parented him. Another wife said the book helped her understand her introverted husband more than anything she had read so far. She called it life changing. She wasn’t the only wife to tell of similar experiences.
Sensitive: The Movie
Dr. Elaine Aron, renowned psychologist and expert on highly sensitive people, recently released a project she’s been working on for some time. The documentary features various highly sensitive people including Alanis Morrissette, who describes her experiences with being highly sensitive in the movie. High-sensitivity are distinguishable yet oftentimes overlapping temperamental traits in individuals. 70% of HSPs are introverts; the other 30% are extroverts.
5 Practical Tips for Managing Introverts
At a book event in Portland, I was recently asked for some practical tips for extroverts to be better manage introverts. Here are five important ideas:
1. No surprises
In general, introverts don’t like surprises, being put on the spot or put in a position to make an immediate decision. Sometimes surprises are unavoidable, but minimize them as much as you can.
2. Less brainstorming
Brainstorming is only one of the ways to get ideas out and onto the table. Use other means as well. When you must brainstorm, give advance warning of the questions you’ll be asking and make sure the introverts on your team know they can give you their best answers after the session.
3. Less hype
Don’t overuse emotionality in your pitching of ideas to the team. It’s OK to be enthusiastic, but don’t let you ideas be nothing but your enthusiasm. Make sure there’s also some substance to your ideas.
4. More facts and logic
For many “do it right” introverts, there can never be too much data. They want to see the facts of the matter at hand and lots of them. For other “think about it” introverts, they want to see the sound logic behind the plan that connects those facts to the best and wisest decision. Provide both facts and sound logic to help get the introverts on board.
5. Practice patience
For many extroverts who want to go fast, the speed of the introverts on the team can try your patience. Deepen your understanding of introversion so that you understand the physiological realities that make introversion different from the way you think and act.
In the end, it’s about understanding and valuing differences in individuals on the team. The more you value them and adapt your behavior, communication and methodology toward them, the better you’ll be as a team.