Successfully Receiving Feedback: Types 1-9

Giving and receiving feedback successfully is critical for self-development and for the creation and sustenance of healthy team environments. While there are many resources to help with tips on giving feedback to different kinds of people, there are less that offer good tips when we are on the receiving side. Here are some thoughts based on the nine types of people described by the Enneagram.

Type 1 – Strict Perfectionist

1s (especially SP1s) have a large inner critic that is already potentially using our imperfections against us. So, when we get feedback from others, it can feel larger, more personal, than other types. 1s are notoriously vulnerable to criticism from others.

Here are a few tips to receive feedback as a 1:

·       Try to suspend judgment (avoid jumping to conclusions)

·       Stay curious about the content of the message

·       Try not to let the inner critic take over

·       Remind yourself that you are lovable “as is” even with your imperfections

·       Let the feedback cultivate some serenity (acceptance of the way things are) in you

·       Give yourself grace; be kind to yourself as you consider needed areas of growth

·       Let anger, resentment, or frustration be present but not in control

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 4 and beat yourself up internally, become temperamental or self-absorbed

·       Go to healthy 4 and become introspective and sensitive

·       Know that even with doing all of these, receiving feedback is hard (be proud of your increasing ability and willingness to do this)

Type 2 – Considerate Helper

2s want to be liked and appreciated, to be seen as helpful to others. When we receive feedback that pushes on that part of our core identity, we can be tempted to react defensively feeling under-appreciated, unloved, unneeded. From that place of resentment, we can switch from warm and agreeable to aggressive.

Here are a few tips to receive feedback as a 2:

·       You matter, not just everybody else

·       You are loved and appreciated, even if we try to help you help us better

·       Let the feedback cultivate some healthy humility in you

·       Try to receive from others as you receive their feedback

·       Resist the urge to flip roles and push into the “giver” spot

·       It’s OK if you cry, but don’t use emotions as a way to resist / evade feedback

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 8 and become angry, dictatorial, or hard-hearted

·       Go to healthy 8 and become self-confident, strong, and assertive

Type 3 – Competitive Achiever

3s want to be successful, to win, to achieve, a.k.a. to “not fail.” Some feedback will probably feel like “failure.” We have a tendency around 3 to quickly bounce back from potentially negative feedback suggesting something less than success and to get back on track toward doing the next thing and achieving again. If you do this, you’ll miss the opportunity for growth that might come from allowing some of the less successful parts of you to be considered.

Here are a few tips to receive feedback as a 3:

·       You are not the sum of your achievements or successes

·       You have inherent dignity and value as a human being (whether you succeed or not)

·       Try not to hear things as “failures” (or you’ll want to push them back out)

·       Let the feedback cultivate some hope in you (remember when we only succeed all the time, we don’t need hope)

·       Let vulnerable emotions come up; let the cracks form a little

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 9 and become disengaged, complacent or appeasing

·       Go to healthy 9 and become peaceful, serene, present, and easygoing

Type 4 – Intense Creative

4s often feel misunderstood and deeply want to feel special and unique. Feedback might make us feel more like everyone else, a.k.a. less unique, less special. Being creative puts us out there for the evaluation / feedback of others. If we don’t try new / innovative things, nothing new is created. However, trying new / innovative things includes inevitable setbacks on the road to new ideas or success. Learn for fail forward as other provide helpful feedback as you innovate.

Here are a few tips to receive feedback as a 4:

·       You matter, even if you are not being valued as unique or special in the moment

·       Try not to just let your emotions run you

·       Try not to shut down and go inside

·       Practice healthy emotional intelligence in the form of self-regulation

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 2 and become manipulative, self-important or entitled

·       Go to healthy 2 and become caring, empathetic, and generous

Type 5 – Quiet Specialist

5s want to be perceived and wise and knowledgeable. We are usually afraid of being seen as ignorant or foolish. We also usually want to be self-sufficient, which moves the other direction from receiving feedback from others that might make us feel dependent on them.

Here are a few tips for receiving feedback as a 5:

·       Take in the data; learn from it to grow wiser

·       Ask clarifying questions (be like a “reporter”)

·       Lean into the other person (including your emotional self)

·       Resist the thought of “going it alone” or “I don’t need them”

·       Be a whole person (thinking, feeling and acting)

·       Resist the urge to defend your ego by one-upping them (being the smartest person in the room)

·       Ask for what you need (time to think about the feedback and maybe meet again)

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 7 and become scattered, impulsive, self-centered, or avoidant

·       Go to healthy 7 and become enthusiastic, sober, less afraid of / averse to pain

Type 6 – Loyal Skeptic

6s are highly attuned to threats and risks around them and desperately want to be safe and to belong. The potential to feel fear or a lack of safety as you find yourself on the receiving end of feedback is real.

Here are a few tips for receiving feedback as a 6:

·       Breathe. Try to calm down your nervous system.

·       Try to let go of the need to test the other person for trustworthiness.

·       Try to assume the best (even though this is hard)

·       Believe that you will be safe, that the feedback won’t “kill” you

·       Try not to exaggerate the feedback or to catastrophize.

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 3 and become overly image-conscious, protective, defensive

·       Go to healthy 3 and become authentic, goal-oriented, self-improving

Type 7 – Enthusiastic Visionary

7s want to keep the conversation lighter and more positive or fun. We sometimes have (whether we are conscious of it or not) an aversion to heavier, more painful topics of discussion including us or how we are doing. Because of this propensity, we often reframe things to make them “less bad” or “more positive or good.”

Here are a few tips for receiving feedback as a 7:

·       Don’t change the subject to something more positive.

·       Hang in there with feedback that might be less positive or painful (your pain or others)

·       Let the feedback cultivate a healthy sobriety in you

·       Don’t escape in your mind to some place fun or something in the future that you are looking forward to

·       Be fully present with the person / situation in front of you

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 1 and become perfectionistic, strict, rigid, self-righteous, or judgmental

·       Go to healthy 1 and become principled, responsible, and reasonable

Type 8 – Active Controller

8s want to be strong (not weak) and to control the situation and themselves. Feedback can feel vulnerable as evidence of the weakness we are afraid might be there. Feedback coming at us is part of the unsafe world we are already protecting ourselves from.

Here are a few tips for receiving feedback as an 8:

·       Put the shield down for a minute (and the sword if you need to)

·       Be vulnerable

·       Let vulnerable emotions come up

·       Don’t fight back or “retaliate”

·       Try to silence the inner voice that tells you to “be strong” or to “suck it up”

·       Be compassionate with yourself and your potential areas that are less strong

·       Try not to look at comments as evidence of weakness, but as ways to be better / stronger

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 5 and become detached or unemotional

·       Go to healthy 5 and become focused, observant, and perceptive

Type 9 – Adaptive Peacemaker

9s want everyone to be OK (even if they need to disappear to make it so). They tend to move too quickly into “not mattering” or withholding their thoughts or opinions. Receiving feedback about yourself can trigger this avoidance response. Have courage and don’t disappear.

Here are a few tips to receiving feedback as a 9:

·       You matter, not just everybody else

·       You continuing to grow into a stronger version of you is important, necessary, and OK

·       Don't be passive but actively engage the other person

·       Ask questions, go deeper

·       Don’t shut down (either literally or figuratively)

·       Don’t try to run away from the situation, or even avoid the interaction (You’ve got this)

·       Hold your strength; keep / find your voice

·       We’re going to be better and more harmonious with a better you

·       Don’t go to unhealthy 6 and become fearful, conspiratorial, blaming, or skeptical

·       Go to healthy 6 and become engaging, reliable, collaborative, and cooperative