The Heart of Leadership: Seeing Ourselves and Seeing Others

The greatest thing a human soul ever does in this world is to see something and tell what they saw in a plain way. To see clearly is poetry, prophecy and religion, all in one. -John Ruskin

Human beings are masters at seeing what they want to see. In every situation, we consistently extract information that confirms our existing opinions about ourselves and the world around us. We view the world in a way that is highly selective and inherently biased. Ideas that fit the script are noticed; those that don’t are ignored. In this way, we continue to reinforce our existing beliefs, making real change often merely wishful talk.

In fact, we expend tremendous energy not seeing with accuracy. We believe, feel, and act on what we think we see. This principle of blindness occurs both intra personally and interpersonally, both within ourselves and in our relationships with others. This may be one of the largest hindrances to personal and professional growth—especially as a leader, which is a position that requires accurate perception of both ourselves and our employees.

Good leaders are marked by higher levels of emotional intelligence (EQ), so seeing with accuracy is at the heart of leadership. Yet truly seeing is one of the hardest leadership skills to master. The great news is that even if we increase our ability to perceive with only partial accuracy, our leadership will improve exponentially.

Seeing ourselves.

It is hard to discern if the reason that we can’t see ourselves is willful blindness or something less intentional. Humans are prone to self-deception, which is clear in the way we view ourselves. We look in the mirror and fail to see an accurate reflection. Instead, we see a distorted image of our own making, an image that we think will protect us from the gaze of others.

We often project a false self, even to ourselves, because the fear of being truly seen is too great. Human beings are also prone to shame, and the action potential in shame is hiding.

Seeing ourselves clearly, though, would provide the answer to two fundamentally prevalent human problems: hubris and worthlessness. Seeing ourselves accurately provides the important counter principles of humility and self-empathy, which are two requisite traits in good leaders and healthy people generally.

Seeing others.

Humans are social creatures, designed to function together and live in shared relationships. Empathy, seeing and connecting with others, and its related aspects, is the fuel on which human relationships thrive. We are designed to care for and about one another. Yet we routinely fail to live up to this potential at work. Instead, we sometimes mistreat others or are indifferent to their situations. We don’t see them.

Because we don’t see them, it is much easier to treat them as invisible. We can, in reality, only mistreat those we have previously devalued in our own minds. This move away from dignity and empathy precedes many of the things we do toward them or fail to do for them. If we saw them, it would change the relationship because it would change our heart.

The Essence of EQ
Seeing ourselves and seeing others with clarity are the essence of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness provides us the requisite humility to remain teachable, to admit our failings, and be relationally transparent. It also restrains our sometimes disproportionately large egos that rely on regular doses of reality to be kept in check. In fact, we are all a mix of strengths and weaknesses, of beauty and deformity, of virtue and vice. This is what it means to be human. Seeing ourselves is the beginning of transcendence.

When we see others, we truly see them as the person of intrinsic dignity and inherent worth that they are. Then, we can see past the surface—the appearance, the stereotype, even the behaviors—to catch a glimpse of the real person underneath who shares humanity with us. We cannot mistreat or ignore someone we see with the eyes of our soul.

This subject of seeing is at the core of practical leadership development. Great leaders see themselves, the good and bad. They learn the irony that vulnerability and honesty are actually courageous leadership. Great leaders also see others, the good and the bad. They see them with the soul of the eye, human to human.

Get Better at Seeing
We can get a more accurate self-reflection through a variety of tools: assessments, 360-degree evaluations, and feedback from our peers and loved ones. There is power in listening to what others have to say to us—about both our good qualities and our challenges—and believing them. There are also immediately accessible and simple tools such as meditation, thoughtfulness, and journaling—all in an effort to gain a well-rounded observation of our daily behavior.

We can better see others by taking a genuine interest in who they are as humans, versus just what they can provide to the organization or the team. Try having weekly conversations with employees about topics that have nothing to do with work, taking time to understand what their concerns are and what their lives are like. Assessments are also very helpful in gaining insights about employees that might not readily bubble to the surface. They can give you an understanding into the behaviors, motivators and values of your team.

In addition, assessments help your employees more accurately see themselves and even understand the people that they work with, which will lead to improved collaboration, camaraderie, and working through problems together in a safe space, thereby perpetuating the cycle of truly seeing ourselves and seeing others throughout the company. Seeing more clearly begins with each of us as leaders.

This article originally appeared in hr.com December 14,2017.